How to waterboard your child in 25 easy steps

Have you ever waterboarded your child? No? Call yourself a parent?!

We had the pleasure of water boarding our 21 month old yesterday. If you want know how to waterboard your own child follow these 25 easy steps.

1. Buy baby shampoo
2. Leave baby shampoo within reach of child – in a shopping bag on the kitchen table
3. Allow child into the kitchen for three minutes on her own
4. Listen to the silence of child from the sitting room and rush to the kitchen where you know you will discover a serious spillage, slopping, up to elbows substance abuse as always accompanies total child silence
5. Observe child with 250ml of baby shampoo on her head, merrily slapping it into her scalp
6. Grab child and rush her upstairs to the shower where by your panic she realises something is wrong and starts to cry (the shampoo may have reached her eyes by this point)
7. Alert other parent to the serious incident by roaring at them
8. Try to strip child who is now crying so hard you fear you are hurting them with your restraint measures
9. Ignore child’s dirty nappy which must be removed while in standing position
10. Apply emergency sponge to child’s eyes to stem the worst of the shampoo to the eyes pain
11. Consider putting child into shower half clothed
12. Turn on the water (cold of course, the immersion will not have been on) and attempt to hold child under the shower stream to wash the shampoo from her tiny head
13. Watch child struggle to cry (and breathe) through the water cascading down her face (that’s the water boarding part)
14. Remove child from shower due to the pure cruelty of it all
15. Argue with other parent as to who is to strip off to accompany convulsing child back into the shower to remove the remaining shampoo
16. Realise that child is so badly upset that the shower is not an option
17. Take child downstairs and away from shower room where she has resorted to banging on the bathroom door horror movie style
18. Wrap child in towel while trying to clean and apply new nappy
19. Wrap child in blanky to try to comfort her in some tiny way
20. Hold child tightly while breaking out the wet sponge and hairbrush in an attempt to remove the clumps of shampoo still attached to hair
21. Give up
22. More cuddles
23. Put Toy Story on
24. Apologise to child for red eyes and water boarding in general
25. Wonder if you will ever be able to shower baby again, due to the traumatic incident that just took place

Still. Not. Over. It.

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