How to waterboard your child in 25 easy steps

Have you ever waterboarded your child? No? Call yourself a parent?!

We had the pleasure of water boarding our 21 month old yesterday. If you want know how to waterboard your own child follow these 25 easy steps.

  1. Buy baby shampoo
  2. Leave baby shampoo within reach of child – in a shopping bag on the kitchen table
  3. Allow child into the kitchen for three minutes on her own
  4. Listen to the silence of child from the sitting room and rush to the kitchen where you know you will discover a serious spillage, slopping, up to elbows substance abuse as always accompanies total child silence
  5. Observe child with 250ml of baby shampoo on her head, merrily slapping it into her scalp
  6. Grab child and rush her upstairs to the shower where by your panic she realises something is wrong and starts to cry (the shampoo may have reached her eyes by this point)
  7. Alert other parent to the serious incident by roaring at them
  8. Try to strip child who is now crying so hard you fear you are hurting them with your restraint measures
  9. Ignore child’s dirty nappy which must be removed while in standing position
  10. Apply emergency sponge to child’s eyes to stem the worst of the shampoo to the eyes pain
  11. Consider putting child into shower half clothed
  12. Turn on the water (cold of course, the immersion will not have been on) and attempt to hold child under the shower stream to wash the shampoo from her tiny head
  13. Watch child struggle to cry (and breathe) through the water cascading down her face (that’s the water boarding part)
  14. Remove child from shower due to the pure cruelty of it all
  15. Argue with other parent as to who is to strip off to accompany convulsing child back into the shower to remove the remaining shampoo
  16. Realise that child is so badly upset that the shower is not an option
  17. Take child downstairs and away from shower room where she has resorted to banging on the bathroom door horror movie style
  18. Wrap child in towel while trying to clean and apply new nappy
  19. Wrap child in blanky to try to comfort her in some tiny way
  20. Hold child tightly while breaking out the wet sponge and hairbrush in an attempt to remove the clumps of shampoo still attached to hair
  21. Give up
  22. More cuddles
  23. Put Toy Story on
  24. Apologise to child for red eyes and water boarding in general
  25. Wonder if you will ever be able to shower baby again, due to the traumatic incident that just took place

Still. Not. Over. It.

Life with Baby Kicks

5 Comments on How to waterboard your child in 25 easy steps

  1. Some days at bath time, the shampoo removal phase may constitute waterboarding. Baffles how some days it’s fine and others it’s not. On the upside, she may be too young to remember or tell on you 😜

    • She cannot STAND having water poured over her head in the bath. I just sponge it now. In shower it’s usually ok. But not sure now after yesterday!

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