What’s your hair like? And how does it affect your life? Does it just hang about your shoulders and behind your ears, never really bothering you? Or do you think and plan your life around it?
Because I do. Do you?
How many hours a week do you spend managing your hair? If you’re a woman, I bet it’s hours. Washing, drying, treating, brushing, straightening, curling, crying into your crimper. And even if you’re blessed with salonesque hair (my worst kind of person) you still have to visit said salon every few weeks to get the greys treated and the dry ends chopped off. (And whippersnappers; if you don’t have greys yet, you will. You just wait).
If you’re a man, I bet it’s hours too. Because men with short hair spend ages, smoothing it down and setting it with greasy curd. And men with long hair spend ages blowdrying it. Fact!
I started thinking about this today when I was sitting in traffic, pulled up right beside a hair dressers. Through the door I could see a woman who was, as you are fully allowed do, fondling her head after getting the gruaig done.
It was one of those all poofed up but dead straight dos, lashes of hair extensions built into the head. It was a kinda glossy grape colour. Like the purple you used to put on your lips in the 90s.
I thought, oh, is that what’s in now? Because, [get our your violins]: being a busy mommy and using all my valuable childcare time for important things like working and attending compulsory weddings, I haven’t been able to go to the hairdressers in months. I’ve been dying it at home. And it shows.
It also means I haven’t the foggiest about what fashion hair is going through at the moment. So your ones’ pointing up in the air, like you just brushed over a tiny plant pot on your head hair do was a bit of new one on me.
And sure THEN I started thinking about all the crazy hair dos we’ve gone through in the past decades and millenia. The theme I feel has always been – what is the most difficult for your follicles to achieve? Right – we’ll go with that!
The fashion world creates these impossibilities so that we must go and get our hair done. I should be grey by now. I’m half an aul wan. I shouldn’t have glossy lashings of hair. It’s been pulled out by the baby.
So to prove this point, here are ten hair dos that shouldn’t be on a human head. It’ll make you feel better about your own limp locks. With sparkly bits.
1.Mouse in the House
Poor Marie Antoinette. How did they find a guillotine big enough? Imagine having to go round with this on your head. Yes, it’s mostly a wig, but still, mice really did live in them. And they smelled. Probably the worst of the top ten.
2. Have you any spare butter for my hair?
In the 1920s it was fashionable to slap bang all your hair to your scalp and cement it there. I’ve had bad hair days, but blimmin heck – send some Timotei her way. I love that this lady added a few bits through which she could blow bubbles. Genius.
3. Finger. Plug socket. Result.
I’m conscious of people who have genuinely curly hair, because I know curly heads go through their own hair traumas. But the 80s perm. Christos. All those chemicals to create the bush effect. Let’s pray this one stays back there with the pedal pushers and neon lipsticks. Wait a second…
4. Farrah Fawcett
It’s not natural. No one should walk around looking like they have a wind machine ahead of their face. It’s just not right. So even though I went through a phase of burning my hair sideways in the early 2000s, again, let’s hope this beauty never comes back. Too beautiful.
5. Poke-her straight
Glossy. Blond. Straight. I still try to get my hair to look this – even though the fashion stakes have moved on. It says health. It says vitality. It whispers GOOD ENOUGH FOR BRAD PITT. Oh Jennifer, I love you and I love your hair. But God gave me badger hair. You could grate cheese on it. And so forever more I will spend many hours a week running hot metal over my strands and spraying glossy shit over my head. Sigh.
6. Cheryl Cole Fernandy ma bobby
Beautiful. Like get sick in my mouth beautiful. Beyond gorgeous. But fake as fook. No one has hair like this (except the hair anomalies as discussed above) and so as you stare at your dank pieces of krud in the mirror and think – HOW can I get my hair to look like this – the answer is simple. Extensions. A good hairdresser. And money.
7. Roly poly
I love the vintage look. But have you ever tried to recreate it? I even have these roundy things that you’re supposed to wrap your hair around. Every time I wear them I look like I just glanced up at someone and caught a flying fig roll to the head. Again, only repeatable by hairdressers and people with very talented hands. C’est ne pas moi.
8. Pog mo gruaig
Ringlets, lovely ringlets. My Mam used to put these in my hair and I loved how they bounced on your head. So too do Irish dancers obviously which is why they stick 17,000 of them on their heads. If you look at the above picture and squint your eyes, don’t you think it looks like Marie Antoinette? See where I’m going here? Yes, ridiculous hair.
9. Bee jaysus
I swear beehives were invented in the 60s as just another place to hide the drugs. They’re class. But impossible to do yourself. I’ve tried. And like my lady who inspired this whole article at the very start, the only way to go is def – plant pot on the head.
10. The mullet
I will leave you with this. Because, obviously, there are no words.
What was the worst hair do you ever had? Mine was when my mother decided to be a hairdresser for the day and lobbed half my hair off with the blunt kitchen scissors. We had to make an appointment the next day to ‘fix it’. There was no fixing it. There was only growing it out, then fixing it. Does getting your hair done make you feel good? Or do you think we are slaves to a beauty industry?
My hair would be so glorious if I could just get it blown out every week. And maybe a few lowlights. That’s all I ask. But no, instead I wash it and leave it there and it looks like something died and most of the time I don’t even care.
I have to take issue with your comment that men spend time on their hair, though. My husband does not. His is about three cm long all over, except where it’s not there at all. It’s very low maintenance.
I wouldn’t get out the doors of the house if I didn’t do something with it. Like wouldn’t fit out. It’s crazy. I honestly have always wished for low maintenance hair because I hate the time I have to spend on it. Ok, point taken on the man. You are right. But SOME men take ages. Like my husband. Ahem.
Those examples DEFINITELY make me feel better about my hair! When I’ve straightened it, it looks okay. When I’ve curled it, it looks okay. God help me if I leave it to dry naturally, it turns into some kind of godforsaken afro.
I think you and I are hair sisters. We’re the in betweenys. I waited months before showing my bow husband my true hair. He backed out of the room slowly and truly reconsidered out relationship
I love this! Pat Sharpe at the end did make me giggle!! I wish a had the money of the celebs to make my hair beautiful, it is just a mess! 🙁
Yes but you can’t feel bad about it, because naturally not many people have beautiful hair. Well I think anyway. I fall into a category of spectacularly bad hair and I know not everyone is in that camp either : )
Ha ha! I have the worst hair in the world (IMO) and have a post half written about it that has been languishing in drafts for months, reading this makes me want to finish it really badly and see if the photos from my past can top the above (i think they can :))
Are you going to post photos of your own hair? Brave! Oh please do post it, would love to see : )
Ah yes – brilliant and couldn’t agree more #effitfriday
My worst hair do was when I cut my own fringe too short and ended up resembling Spock 😛
Hahaha! Spock. Not a good look ?
I have to say the only one of these I genuinely dislike is the Pat Sharp mullet. I’ll give the 1700s the benefit of the doubt, but the 1940s look-amazing. It is, however, as you rightly pointed out, a nightmare to recreate. Then again, I just had my hair cut the other day for the first time THIS YEAR, so I am perhaps not best placed to judge.
Ha, yes most of these styles look amazing, but all need work to create. Perhaps the mullet is the only one that doesn’t! I love getting my hair done, but find it prohibitively expensive and also hard to organise childcare. You’re doing well with one haircut a year!
Oh now I feel better about the frizz bomb which is my hair. Not quite curly not quite straight. Yuk!
Yep that’s exactly like mine. Not helped by heat I imagine! Although it’s humid heat that affects it the worst. I regularly scream just like Monica from friends: ‘it’s the humidity!!’
Ha the mullet made me laugh poor Pat Sharp 😉 I always find hairdressers have crazy hair, I think they must get bored and experiment on each other or something!
Thanks for linking up to #TenThings
Yep. Some of them have awful hair, makes you go ‘I’ll just have brown please. No spikes. Thank you.’ ; ) looking forward to doing my comments. On my Xmas to do list! #tenthings