Right, we’ve come across a bit of a problem. A domestic problem. A cat problem.
It’s nothing to do with the copious black hairs he leaves on our laundry or bedclothes, or constant mewing when he sees us for food. It’s not even the little mice presents he sometimes leaves on our back doorstep to remind us that he’s a good cat or (more likely) to feed him more. It’s to do with the child.
They don’t get on. Up till now, the cat has just committed his usual disappearing act whenever the babe came tottering near, but a few nights ago, there was an incident.
The babe got too close. The cat couldn’t escape. There was a scratch and there were tears. Mostly mine. But the baby was crying too.
“That’s it!” I roared. “The cat is gone, I want him put down, I want rid!”
After some calming down and some thought I realised that I don’t want to end the cat’s life just yet, but that I do need to rehome him, to a more suitable environment.
We’ve ruled out animal shelters for the moment. They’re packed to capacity and I know our spoiled animal would have a freak attack if we caged him up.
So, I hope that you dear reader, will look at our cat and the stories I’m about to tell you and think of everyone you know in your network and wonder: ‘would Mary be interested in Moo?’ Because if Mary is, we’d love to hear from you.
Here’s what you need to know about Moo.
1) She’s a he.
When we got Moo as a kitten, there was a lot of fur. We couldn’t see a winky. And so, like all good responsible pet owners, we sent her off to have her bits tied up so that there would be no more little Moos running around. Himself called me from the vets.
“Eh, she’s a he,” he said.
“Yeah, she’s a boy”
“What?” I said in disbelief. So he didn’t need to be neutered at all.
“No, the vet’s neutering him anyway.”
I didn’t know you were supposed to neuter male cats and at the time I thought, sure what’s the point, we could have gotten away with that vet bill. Later I found out it’s a completely responsible thing to do and has stopped the cat wandering and getting into loads of nasty fights. So, lesson to you dear reader, Moo had a very small winky, but it doesn’t matter, cos it’s gone now. And I still refer to the cat as she and her. We have never gotten over the fact that she’s a he.
2) Moo used to Miu Miu
We couldn’t think of a name when we first got the cat. She was quite small and she didn’t so much as ‘miaow’ as ‘mew’. I started copying the sound she would make and eventually the name stuck. At the time I wanted to be quite posh, so I decided it was ‘Miu Miu’. These days, it’s just MOO! As in SHOO! You can change the name if you want. I don’t think she’ll mind.
3) She likes fish. A lot.
Moo loves her cat food. She gobbles it up and then mews for more. Her favourite is any sort of cat food with fish in it. She’s not fond of dry food and she will turn her nose up at certain brands, because she’s picky like that. We usually feed her Whiskers when we can afford it and Aldi sachets at all other times. Oh and she was wormed recently just to make sure her greed wasn’t parasite related.
4) She will sleep anywhere
Moo doesn’t have a bed. She did have a cat bed years ago but it finally got thrown out after we realised Moo prefers to sleep in awkward places. Like the sink. Or the tiny space between the wash basket and the worktop. If there’s a bit of junk or an unmade bed, you’ll usually find Moo asleep there. She will also sleep in the dog’s bed or on the dog’s part of the sofa. Because, like all cats, Moo is an asshole.
5) Moo is a very handsome LARGE cat
Moo is of the generation ‘PANTHER’ cats. When he lies out in full he’s longer than I am. Almost. He beats up the dog a bit. And is a bit of a bully. He is not suitable for small children, small dogs and hey, he probably doesn’t like big dogs either. Oh and sometimes when you pet him and stroke him, he bites you. Because (see above).
6) We still love Moo
We’ve had Moo for six years and although we need to rehome him now, it hasn’t been an easy decision and we will be really sad to see him go. We only want him to go to a REALLY good home (obviously). He has his faults, but they just lend to his personality.
7) Please get in touch if you think you can help
Ideally we would like to rehome Moo in the North East (of Ireland) area, but preferably far enough away from us (in Termonfeckin) so that he doesn’t come wandering back. He is used to some space – he is outside a lot, but he’s not used to the road. You can contact me at email@example.com if you think you know someone that could take Moo and his personality on.