The baby is crazy. She’s gone from a wriggly blob to a shuffly blob to a small girl child who can climb and run and use her hands like an adult might. I can’t understand how she went from being a baby to a toddler. It seemed to have happened over night. And while I’m glad she’s developing, I’m also really worried. She’s one. Not two. The terrible twos have to happen yet. So what the hell is this phase? The wonky ones? The not-so-ONE-derfuls?
Here is a short list of some of the things she has done this week. There are more, but I can’t remember most of them, because you know, baby brain.
- Used my head as a ledge to climb INTO her cot. From the ground. The cot is about four and a half foot high. If she can climb in, I’m sure she can climb out. What the fluff happens then?
- Climbed onto the lid of the toilet and then onto the cistern! Himself caught her just before she hit the ground. Which like most bathrooms is tiled. Tiny heads and tiles just don’t go together, as far as I know.
- Put her hand into the dog’s bowl, every time we feed her. The poor dog tries to gobble up her food while the baby, pretends her hand is a food mixer.
- Take said dog bowl from the dog and fling it at her Daddy as he dashes to take it off her. This was a fling like you might toss a pancake. An aimed throw. Into his face.
- Used her teeth as a fifth limb to climb up my standing body. At points she was hanging on by just her teeth – her eyes saying – look Mammy, no hands! It was quite impressive actually. And she only has four teeth on top.
- Taken her shoe, and flung it like a shot put at her bedroom window.
- Taken two cousins and beat them up separately. No mean feat for a girl who is a foot high. They were petrified and have ruled out all future visits to our house. Are we raising a bully? Is she setting out her stall as a tyrant?
There are upsides of course. She is sleeping way better. She does waken but we can cope and there are rare nights when she sleeps the whole way through. This sleep is needed by both Mammy and Daddy because we have never felt exhaustion like a day spent at home with speedy Gonzales who can now run faster than us and has tiny whirring hands that can plunge down a toilet faster than you can say, DON’T!
‘Don’t’ is our new favourite word. I think I say it about 17,000 times a day. She is starting to learn the meaning of the word, but because she is only one, we can’t really teach her right from wrong. She’s too little.
Words are not really happening right now. But she does snort through her nose when we say ‘where’s Peppa Pig?’ and if she doesn’t we all encourage her by oinking loudly. I’ve noticed that when visitors arrive I start demanding of her to produce the one thing she does on cue because, well, I’m proud of her. And I have no problems raising a performing monkey. Or pig.
I feel a great sense of relief that we’ve gotten through the first year. That we’ve moved on from the baby phase. That she can sit and play with her toys, that it’s ok to dash out to the clothesline. Sometimes I even pee in peace.
She is now more cuddly and clings on for hugs sometimes. I’m trying to teach her to dance because I want her to enjoy music. To be free to throw her body round. Our favourite song is a cover of Just Can’t Get Enough by Wallis Bird.
She holds on tight and I jump up and down and dance with her. And then she demands to be put on the ground and she does a Mr Bean impression before standing to stare at me. Because I’m still dancing. On my own. In our kitchen, in the middle of the day. And then I realise it’s not just baby who’s crazy. It’s Mammy too. And this is what parenting has done to me.